Mistress of Cheese's Journal

I just read back over my last post and actually laughed about it. Granted, my maternal feelings were right on target, but my whole perspective on my relationship at the time was way off base. I don't understand why I find it hard to be completely forthcoming when it comes to my relationship situation. I just keep trying when it's so obviously failed. Of course having a a baby changes everything, but my optimism back then is so surprising and even.....inspiring? I hate to be sitting here at the end of it all feeling hopeless, but it's dwindled down to a matter of my broken heart and his inability to be honest. It's just ridiculous that he can't pony up when he's had a good thing staring him in the face since that first night at karaoke almost 3 years ago. *sigh* My daughter and I deserve better, even it means treading a relatively lonely path before finding someone else to be a part of our family.

How's that for an update? See you in a year or so........maybe less if I can muster the inspiration. :)

37 weeks, 3 days and counting. my little girl is nestled comfortably in my belly, kicking and hiccuping and sleeping peacefully, i imagine. this pregnancy has been a journey, to say the very least. tonight it's late, and i don't find myself caught up in the giddy silliness of my most recent posts. of course there's nothing particularly recent about any of them.....i have a tendancy to fall off the deep end of my journaling from time to time. i feel like i don't know how to capture the time between posts in words.....but who cares for the eloquence of my posts, really?

lately i find myself wandering in a spell of hopeless anticipation. my to-do list has dwindled down to "have the baby", and time is not on my side, or so it would seem. things have fallen into place marvelously this pregnancy. thanks to two baby showers and a fabulous outpouring of support from both of our friends and family, we have all of our respective ducks in a row. diapers have been bought, the baby's room is decorated, my labor bags are packed, the tiny clothes have been folded and put away.....i go in the room and look around in deisbelief, still, but i imagine that's my first-time mom anxiety manifesting itself.

perhaps the greatest gift i've received during the course of all this preparing has been discovering how truly blessed i am to have tommy in my life. sure, we both have our quirks, and we have to compromise on many things, but learning how has been one of the best things we both could have done. we have a way of arguing that causes us both to step back on reflect on the "why" rather than beat one another down or up or however you best say that. we stopped attacking each other and started working together. i've discovered that i have a partner.....a man who loves me unconditionally and genuinely enjoys my company day in and day out. yes yes, that's the point of relationships, but i've seen so many couples live without it that i almost felt ashamed to want it...like i was asking for some fairy tale. there is no fairy tale. my life has become exactly what i chose to make of it.

lately i've been so terribly endeared to tommy. perhaps it's hormones, but i feel a deep stirring in my heart when i look at him. we sit and giggle on the couch together, and we look into each other's eyes and see such warmth and acceptance and joy. it's brought me peace through some stressful times. i stop and watch him sleeping as i sit up late at night restlessly watching t.v. or reading or what have you, and i feel so lucky and full of love for this amazing man. i think a lot of our arguing came from trying to figure out what to do after the passionate newness wore off of the relationship, and once we allowed ourselves to drift deeper into one another we discovered an even greater love waiting for us there. it feels good to be where we are right now. i have no doubt in my mind that this child will be brought into as loving a home as one could possibly create.

i've had a few personal trials to overcome with my daughter on the way. i've struggled with insecurity over my huge body. i've felt ugly to the point of tears, and so frustrated with not being able to do the things i want to do, but i think i've moved past that. i understand this is all only temporary and my body is merely working hard to create a baby. i respect the beauty of it all, but that doesn't mean i didn't have to face the other side of the coin. i needed to confront those feelings, as they had manifested themselves long before i got pregnant. tommy's support and kindness has made me see that i have more to offer than a tiny body and a pretty hairstyle. i don't even know why i got so wrapped up in my own vanity. i didn't get wrapped up in it in a typical way, either....i wouldn't spend hours getting ready every morning. it was like i just gave up for a long time. now i see that there is a happy medium, and once i get my body back i'm sure things will be much better in that respect.

i'm rambling. i'm not great at putting what i'm thinking into words. i'm trying to do it in such a structured fashion, and typically my thoughts are so all over the place that it gets hard. i want to try and express them somehow, though. i want to be able to look back and read what i've written here and see what's changed and what hasn't. craziness.

so i'm prepared for sleepless nights and and diaper changes and those sweet moments of watching my baby sleep. in the coming days i'm sure i'll be full of further reflections, but for now i want to lay in bed next to tommy and try to get some rest. we'll see if i make it back online in the next few months, i guess.

well this weekend we certainly celebrated the circle of life. our friend chuck was put into the ground saturday, which was also the day i was having my baby shower. we went to the wake friday night and spent some time with friends we haven't seen in quite some time. it was bittersweet, to say the least, but we almost took on a celebratory attitude being that chuck was such a warm and fun-loving person. we couldn't make it to the funeral, unfortunately, but we heard that it was a beautiful service.

as far as the baby shower went....oh my hell. it was amazing. i cannot believe all of the great gifts we got. this baby is truly lucky to have so much, and we feel lucky to have the support that we do. we had nothing as of friday afternoon, and now we have a crib, toys, clothes in sizes ranging from newborn to 12 months, a stay at home swing that rocks two ways and a take-along swing that we can take to grandparents' houses, a crib aquarium, books, baby bathtub and bathing essentials (washcloths, towels, shampoo), diapers, breastfeeding stuff, diaper stuff, travel system, 2 playmats and the list goes on. we still need a few other things, but we've got another shower with tommy's family in a week and a half, and i honestly can't imagine us needing much more after that.

we're painting the baby room next week...sky blue to do up the celestial theme. we'll get some cloud wall hangings and glow in the dark stars to piece it all together. i've already organized everything we've received, and put together most of the big stuff. i couldn't help myself....plus it needed to all be easy to move around and find so we can do the painting thing next week.

i'm excited. i imagine reading to my little girl. i imagine bathing her in her little bathtub and and rocking her to sleep. i imagine my relief at having her just out of my bely and into my arms. i try to get past the baby doll aspect of it, but it's not easy now that i have all this stuff to touch and look at. my hormones are treating me to quite a few doses of happy tears, but i'm just letting the emotions pass over me and trying to savor them. i know that at my most exhausted point, i'll need to look back at those happy thoughts to remind me of the joy i should be experiencing.

i'm miserable at work. my boss is on a mission to make me quit, i think, and i'm not sure why. i've stopped questioning the situation so much and just come in to do my job and "yes m'am" her when she gets to ranting and raving and carrying on. if she's that miserable, then i just feel sorry for her. as long as i'm doing my best up here, then i have no reason to worry. i have relisted my resume on monster.com, though. if something comes up, i just might have to seriously consider it.

i'm tired. not really able to sleep longer than 2-3 hours at a time, which leaves me wanting a nap when i get home. that's all that's on the schedule tonight...a nap and maybe some chores. we'll see.

well, i feel the baby all the time now. she had the hiccups yesterday, which was a riot, in my opinion. i love being able to feel her wiggle around, but i can't stand waking up in the middle of the night for it. i suppose sleepless nights are supposed to be a part of my routine for a while, but sheesh. and my bladder hates me. and i get leg cramps. and i can't wait to meet this little child inside of me so i can go "wow! look what i did!".

a close friend of tommy's and mine, chuck, had a severe heart attack about a week and a half ago. tommy's parents are basically family with this guy and his wife, and tommy and i were lucky to have made several road trips and enjoyed lots of good times with him. it's just amazing how something like this can come out of nowhere, seemingly. i mean, this guy was just hanging out at my birthday party. now he's been determined to be pretty much a vegetable due to brain damage from his heart stopping for so long. his wife, rose, is a nurse and performed cpr until the ambulance got there, but it took 8 shocks just to get him back......he was out for too long. they managed to get his eyes open, but the brain damage is obvious - he can't focus and won't respond to anything. his poor wife has been living in the icu waiting room since it happened, only going home to shower twice. just the other day she signed a do not recusitate order on him, in accordance with his wishes. chuck wouldn't want to suffer and wouldn't want to be a vegetable hooked up to machines for the rest of his life, and difficult as it was for rose, she had to abide by his wishes. he's still holding out while off the breathing machine and dialysis, but the doctors don't expect it to be long. it just.....sucks. he is a wonderful man, and there were a lot of people who weren't done enjoying his friendship. we'll see if the powers that be choose to let him come back on his own....miracles can happen.

tommy and i enjoyed a semi-spiritual retreat in new braunfels with his family recently. we stayed in a cabin, floated down the river, got harassed by a psychotic lady, played guitar, danced and just had a great time. it was fun to spend that time with his family and have a mini vacation. his aunt nancy paid for all of it, which is the only way we were able to go. it's just amazing how these little surprises can pop up and make for a wonderful memory. it was an excellent excuse to test out the new video camera my dad got me for my birthday as well.....i love it!! i've wanted one forever, and the one he bought is the bomb.

there's more to tell, but the clock has struck worktime for me. i'll check in later and add some more thoughts.....

well, ok, i was pretty much the only sober one, but it's cool. i've got good reason to be.

my birthday was last saturday. tommy made me pancakes on bed and took me out for dinner and ice cream. when we got home i found an apartment full of friends and family shouting "SURPRISE!". i could not believe tommy had rounded everyone up at our place....we live sort of far out from some of these people. it was just awesome. dawn put it on since tommy can't keep a secret, and she did an awesome job incorperating my loving man's idea. it was sweet. everyone chilled for a couple of hours and then those who were willing to drive even further high-tailed it out to karaoke. it was big fun.

sunday tommy and i went to my dad's for some more celebrating. we swam, we napped, we ate, we had fun, and then it was present time. my dad got me a freaking video camera....a badass digital canon that takes digital stills along with a 256mb memory card, a case and some blank tapes to get the game going. i was blown away. then he gives us his old computer (which is a damn fast machine) and left his dvd editing/burning software installed so we can make homemade dvd's off of our tapes. all in all i'd say i made out like a freaking bandit. saturday's gifts were along the pampering theme for my pregnant, tired ass, which was awesome as well.

let's say awesome is the word of the week.

it was fun. i just fel really lucky right now.

it's really intimidating to post on here after waiting such a ridiculously long period of time. i feel like there's all this stuff to say, and it's more than a feeling (more than a feeling).

90% sure my baby's a girl, which means evelyn (evie) loraine is now being referred to as "she" and not "it". and she's kicking me now. and i never thought i'd enjoy getting beat on this much. and i love this little girl rolling around inside of me. 90% still leaves a window of opportunity for a boy, and that means we're going neutral. the nursery will be celestial themed with light green, yellow, white and blue, and yes, it will include glow in the dark stars in the shape of constellations because tommy and i are nerds like that.

we registered at target, and i hope my checklists served me well, because i know nothing about what a baby needs outside of my boob and a place to sleep. i think we covered everything, and we'll see what two baby showers bring in. that's right, i said TWO baby showers. i have my fancy shmancy one that my stepmother is throwing me, and my more relaxed one that my mother-in-law is throwing me. between the two we should be pretty set for when the baby gets here.

i have a partial previa. there, i said it. it's a minor complication at this stage of the pregnancy, but should it continue into the 3rd trimester, i'll have to face more serious risk factor. as long as i stick to no booty from my man and no heavy lifting, then there's a 90% chance this will correct itsself by the time i go back for a follow-up ultrasound in 5 weeks. my fingers are crossed, and so are my legs, for that matter.

this month is busy busy busy for me. now that i've broken the akward silence on this thing, i'll more than likely be posting more. i certainly have plenty going through my mind these days. peace.

a promise wedding. if there isn't an existing definition for that term, then tommy and i will spend our time in oklahoma defining it.

we're off to muskogee, oklahoma a week from wednesday for a leon lifer retreat. we'll spend our sleep time in a hotel, but the rest of the weekend will be spent going to 2 leon russell shows, performing in the shindig, and eating and drinking and being merry at miss honey's house.

somewhere in the middle of all that fun tommy and i have decided to have a small wedding ceremony. we still intend on having our balls to the wall wedding sometime after the kid is born, but we figured it would be fun to pledge our commitment to one another among our extended family of lifers who won't make it to the big wedding. just some vows and a couple of james avery silver bands, but nothing legal as of yet. our friend from tulsa, steve, will be our minister....in a manner of speaking. i can handle something small scale right now, but nothing too big until i'm less big, you know?

outside of making those arrangements, we had a relaxing weekend. we had to make a small trip to my office to get cleaned up for the audit, but we managed to squeeze in karaoke and practice time and chill time with dawn and her brother. i just wish i could sleep better - this insomnia is killing me.

ok, so i'm pushing over 40 hours this week at the main job, i've worked 2 nights this week until midnight, and tonight i'll be lucky to be out of video hell before 1am. i don't mind the work....really. i get home and tommy rubs my feet and my cats love on me and the sunken in spot on my mattress that used to be my grandfather's wraps itself around in a warm and cozy way.

i supose i'm bound to have a period of adjustment to the 2-job scene again. i used be be like a freaking machine, but i've become rather lax over the past year. ah, well.....a little coffee and a pile of money later, i'll be doing a happy dance in front of my new t.v. and my computer capable of running sims 2. in my new maternity clothes. and i'll look exceptionally hot shakin' my new and improved ba-donk-a-donk ass, i might add.

*sigh* today i'm tired and ready for a morning without alarm clocks.

the apartment is officially unpacked, and of course no one wants to come over. we can't show off our glorious decorating skills to our friends that can fake interest if they don't come over.

it's probably for the best. until we get the new t.v. for the living room, there's not much to offer in the way of entertainment unless people don't mind chess, mancala or card games. so we've just holed ourselved up in the bedroom watching american idol and the simpsons. i can't wait to get the new entertainment center set up...it's going to be pretty darn sweet once it's all in line.

i got a second job. i have plenty of energy, and the extra money will be nice. we have so much we want to prepare for the baby's arrival, and there's no reason i can't do the hollywood video bit 3-4 nights per week. tommy's child support takes so much out of his check that he just doesn't bring in enough - can you see why he'll be the one staying home with the baby? the manager at the new job is my good friend and is competely okay with my pregnancy thing. it's a win-win situation in my opinion once you consider the free movie rentals.

now that i'm settled in to the new pad, more or less, i've been taking the time to think about what the little peanut will add to tommy's and my little world. of course this child will be brought into as loving an environment as any baby could ask for between our friends and family. it's the decisions that lie ahead that i can't help but begin thinking about.

in all of my extensive reading, due in part to my terrifically over-analytical brain absorbing as much information as possible, i have to force myself not to be overwhelmed by the opinions of everyone else. many people believe that their method of parenting is the end-all, know-all solution for everyone else out there. perhaps seeking out the best solution according to others is a bit ridiculous in it's own right, so i have to consider my motivation for researching as much as i do.

i know that the majority of good parenting relies on instinct. i would have a really hard time going against my gut based on some article i read, for example. i just don't want to fall into common mistakes that could lead disaster or problems such as hospitalization. i do enjoy hearing different points of view, but not because i intend to believe their propaganda. it just helps me better round out my own decisions and add strength to my convictions. okay, now that i feel i've been clear enough on my motivations, i can continue to express my thoughts on what i've seen thus far.

how do people honestly expect new mothers today to feel confident? on the one hand you have to pick your baby up when it cries, lest it suffer abandonment issues that will most certainly scar it for life. on the other you have a child who learns that your attention comes whent hey cry, which could lead to tantrems and spoiled behavior during their toddler years. on the one hand you could enroll your child in language classes at 2 years old and have them reading and writing by the age of three in order to use their powerful learning capacities as toddlers. on the other you could stimulate your child's creativity through interaction and activities and the like to lay the foundation of a broad mind and allow the structured learning to come at a more appropriate age, like 5. homescholling offers an extensively broader curriculum that you can tailor to your beliefs and morals and allow your kids the freedom to enjoy learning, where public schools offer more structure and social interaction and a more limited curriculum.

understand all of these statement are based on "espert" opinions, and each view offers a whole slew of reasons why it is the best. how does one find a middle ground? you can't. you just have to accept that there will always be someone there to second guess your decision as a parent, i suppose. odd that i should learn this before i even venture out onto the parenting limb, but i consider it to be a useful piece of information to arm myself with. i have a supportive family who will tell me what a good job i'm doing as well as point out where i seem to need some work. i trust their opinion, and i trust tommy's even more. he and i will always have each other to lean on when we are singled out by "perfect" parents for making what we consider to be healthy choices for our kid.

i just hate to anticipate all of this ahead of time. maybe by doing so i'll be able to greet the actual situation with a bit of humor. then i can laugh in the faces of those who tell me i will either burn in hell or deeply scar my child and yadda yadda yadda.