Mistress of Cheese's Journal

For heaven's sake

2006-06-10T20:32:00.000-05:00

I just read back over my last post and actually laughed about it. Granted, my maternal feelings were right on target, but my whole perspective on my relationship at the time was way off base. I don't understand why I find it hard to be completely forthcoming when it comes to my relationship situation. I just keep trying when it's so obviously failed. Of course having a a baby changes everything, but my optimism back then is so surprising and even.....inspiring? I hate to be sitting here at the end of it all feeling hopeless, but it's dwindled down to a matter of my broken heart and his inability to be honest. It's just ridiculous that he can't pony up when he's had a good thing staring him in the face since that first night at karaoke almost 3 years ago. *sigh* My daughter and I deserve better, even it means treading a relatively lonely path before finding someone else to be a part of our family.

How's that for an update? See you in a year or so........maybe less if I can muster the inspiration. :)

a pregnancy reflected....somewhat

2005-08-11T01:44:00.000-05:00

37 weeks, 3 days and counting. my little girl is nestled comfortably in my belly, kicking and hiccuping and sleeping peacefully, i imagine. this pregnancy has been a journey, to say the very least. tonight it's late, and i don't find myself caught up in the giddy silliness of my most recent posts. of course there's nothing particularly recent about any of them.....i have a tendancy to fall off the deep end of my journaling from time to time. i feel like i don't know how to capture the time between posts in words.....but who cares for the eloquence of my posts, really?

lately i find myself wandering in a spell of hopeless anticipation. my to-do list has dwindled down to "have the baby", and time is not on my side, or so it would seem. things have fallen into place marvelously this pregnancy. thanks to two baby showers and a fabulous outpouring of support from both of our friends and family, we have all of our respective ducks in a row. diapers have been bought, the baby's room is decorated, my labor bags are packed, the tiny clothes have been folded and put away.....i go in the room and look around in deisbelief, still, but i imagine that's my first-time mom anxiety manifesting itself.

perhaps the greatest gift i've received during the course of all this preparing has been discovering how truly blessed i am to have tommy in my life. sure, we both have our quirks, and we have to compromise on many things, but learning how has been one of the best things we both could have done. we have a way of arguing that causes us both to step back on reflect on the "why" rather than beat one another down or up or however you best say that. we stopped attacking each other and started working together. i've discovered that i have a partner.....a man who loves me unconditionally and genuinely enjoys my company day in and day out. yes yes, that's the point of relationships, but i've seen so many couples live without it that i almost felt ashamed to want it...like i was asking for some fairy tale. there is no fairy tale. my life has become exactly what i chose to make of it.

lately i've been so terribly endeared to tommy. perhaps it's hormones, but i feel a deep stirring in my heart when i look at him. we sit and giggle on the couch together, and we look into each other's eyes and see such warmth and acceptance and joy. it's brought me peace through some stressful times. i stop and watch him sleeping as i sit up late at night restlessly watching t.v. or reading or what have you, and i feel so lucky and full of love for this amazing man. i think a lot of our arguing came from trying to figure out what to do after the passionate newness wore off of the relationship, and once we allowed ourselves to drift deeper into one another we discovered an even greater love waiting for us there. it feels good to be where we are right now. i have no doubt in my mind that this child will be brought into as loving a home as one could possibly create.

i've had a few personal trials to overcome with my daughter on the way. i've struggled with insecurity over my huge body. i've felt ugly to the point of tears, and so frustrated with not being able to do the things i want to do, but i think i've moved past that. i understand this is all only temporary and my body is merely working hard to create a baby. i respect the beauty of it all, but that doesn't mean i didn't have to face the other side of the coin. i needed to confront those feelings, as they had manifested themselves long before i got pregnant. tommy's support and kindness has made me see that i have more to offer than a tiny body and a pretty hairstyle. i don't even know why i got so wrapped up in my own vanity. i didn't get wrapped up in it in a typical way, either....i wouldn't spend hours getting ready every morning. it was like i just gave up for a long time. now i see that there is a happy medium, and once i get my body back i'm sure things will be much better in that respect.

i'm rambling. i'm not great at putting what i'm thinking into words. i'm trying to do it in such a structured fashion, and typically my thoughts are so all over the place that it gets hard. i want to try and express them somehow, though. i want to be able to look back and read what i've written here and see what's changed and what hasn't. craziness.

so i'm prepared for sleepless nights and and diaper changes and those sweet moments of watching my baby sleep. in the coming days i'm sure i'll be full of further reflections, but for now i want to lay in bed next to tommy and try to get some rest. we'll see if i make it back online in the next few months, i guess.

3rd trimester....what a way to say hello

2005-05-31T12:13:00.000-05:00

well this weekend we certainly celebrated the circle of life. our friend chuck was put into the ground saturday, which was also the day i was having my baby shower. we went to the wake friday night and spent some time with friends we haven't seen in quite some time. it was bittersweet, to say the least, but we almost took on a celebratory attitude being that chuck was such a warm and fun-loving person. we couldn't make it to the funeral, unfortunately, but we heard that it was a beautiful service.

as far as the baby shower went....oh my hell. it was amazing. i cannot believe all of the great gifts we got. this baby is truly lucky to have so much, and we feel lucky to have the support that we do. we had nothing as of friday afternoon, and now we have a crib, toys, clothes in sizes ranging from newborn to 12 months, a stay at home swing that rocks two ways and a take-along swing that we can take to grandparents' houses, a crib aquarium, books, baby bathtub and bathing essentials (washcloths, towels, shampoo), diapers, breastfeeding stuff, diaper stuff, travel system, 2 playmats and the list goes on. we still need a few other things, but we've got another shower with tommy's family in a week and a half, and i honestly can't imagine us needing much more after that.

we're painting the baby room next week...sky blue to do up the celestial theme. we'll get some cloud wall hangings and glow in the dark stars to piece it all together. i've already organized everything we've received, and put together most of the big stuff. i couldn't help myself....plus it needed to all be easy to move around and find so we can do the painting thing next week.

i'm excited. i imagine reading to my little girl. i imagine bathing her in her little bathtub and and rocking her to sleep. i imagine my relief at having her just out of my bely and into my arms. i try to get past the baby doll aspect of it, but it's not easy now that i have all this stuff to touch and look at. my hormones are treating me to quite a few doses of happy tears, but i'm just letting the emotions pass over me and trying to savor them. i know that at my most exhausted point, i'll need to look back at those happy thoughts to remind me of the joy i should be experiencing.

i'm miserable at work. my boss is on a mission to make me quit, i think, and i'm not sure why. i've stopped questioning the situation so much and just come in to do my job and "yes m'am" her when she gets to ranting and raving and carrying on. if she's that miserable, then i just feel sorry for her. as long as i'm doing my best up here, then i have no reason to worry. i have relisted my resume on monster.com, though. if something comes up, i just might have to seriously consider it.

i'm tired. not really able to sleep longer than 2-3 hours at a time, which leaves me wanting a nap when i get home. that's all that's on the schedule tonight...a nap and maybe some chores. we'll see.

chuck and family retreats

2005-05-18T07:46:00.000-05:00

well, i feel the baby all the time now. she had the hiccups yesterday, which was a riot, in my opinion. i love being able to feel her wiggle around, but i can't stand waking up in the middle of the night for it. i suppose sleepless nights are supposed to be a part of my routine for a while, but sheesh. and my bladder hates me. and i get leg cramps. and i can't wait to meet this little child inside of me so i can go "wow! look what i did!".

a close friend of tommy's and mine, chuck, had a severe heart attack about a week and a half ago. tommy's parents are basically family with this guy and his wife, and tommy and i were lucky to have made several road trips and enjoyed lots of good times with him. it's just amazing how something like this can come out of nowhere, seemingly. i mean, this guy was just hanging out at my birthday party. now he's been determined to be pretty much a vegetable due to brain damage from his heart stopping for so long. his wife, rose, is a nurse and performed cpr until the ambulance got there, but it took 8 shocks just to get him back......he was out for too long. they managed to get his eyes open, but the brain damage is obvious - he can't focus and won't respond to anything. his poor wife has been living in the icu waiting room since it happened, only going home to shower twice. just the other day she signed a do not recusitate order on him, in accordance with his wishes. chuck wouldn't want to suffer and wouldn't want to be a vegetable hooked up to machines for the rest of his life, and difficult as it was for rose, she had to abide by his wishes. he's still holding out while off the breathing machine and dialysis, but the doctors don't expect it to be long. it just.....sucks. he is a wonderful man, and there were a lot of people who weren't done enjoying his friendship. we'll see if the powers that be choose to let him come back on his own....miracles can happen.

tommy and i enjoyed a semi-spiritual retreat in new braunfels with his family recently. we stayed in a cabin, floated down the river, got harassed by a psychotic lady, played guitar, danced and just had a great time. it was fun to spend that time with his family and have a mini vacation. his aunt nancy paid for all of it, which is the only way we were able to go. it's just amazing how these little surprises can pop up and make for a wonderful memory. it was an excellent excuse to test out the new video camera my dad got me for my birthday as well.....i love it!! i've wanted one forever, and the one he bought is the bomb.

there's more to tell, but the clock has struck worktime for me. i'll check in later and add some more thoughts.....

a sober birthday extravaganza?

2005-04-27T13:13:00.000-05:00

well, ok, i was pretty much the only sober one, but it's cool. i've got good reason to be.

my birthday was last saturday. tommy made me pancakes on bed and took me out for dinner and ice cream. when we got home i found an apartment full of friends and family shouting "SURPRISE!". i could not believe tommy had rounded everyone up at our place....we live sort of far out from some of these people. it was just awesome. dawn put it on since tommy can't keep a secret, and she did an awesome job incorperating my loving man's idea. it was sweet. everyone chilled for a couple of hours and then those who were willing to drive even further high-tailed it out to karaoke. it was big fun.

sunday tommy and i went to my dad's for some more celebrating. we swam, we napped, we ate, we had fun, and then it was present time. my dad got me a freaking video camera....a badass digital canon that takes digital stills along with a 256mb memory card, a case and some blank tapes to get the game going. i was blown away. then he gives us his old computer (which is a damn fast machine) and left his dvd editing/burning software installed so we can make homemade dvd's off of our tapes. all in all i'd say i made out like a freaking bandit. saturday's gifts were along the pampering theme for my pregnant, tired ass, which was awesome as well.

let's say awesome is the word of the week.

it was fun. i just fel really lucky right now.

simply too much

2005-04-26T08:22:00.000-05:00

it's really intimidating to post on here after waiting such a ridiculously long period of time. i feel like there's all this stuff to say, and it's more than a feeling (more than a feeling).

90% sure my baby's a girl, which means evelyn (evie) loraine is now being referred to as "she" and not "it". and she's kicking me now. and i never thought i'd enjoy getting beat on this much. and i love this little girl rolling around inside of me. 90% still leaves a window of opportunity for a boy, and that means we're going neutral. the nursery will be celestial themed with light green, yellow, white and blue, and yes, it will include glow in the dark stars in the shape of constellations because tommy and i are nerds like that.

we registered at target, and i hope my checklists served me well, because i know nothing about what a baby needs outside of my boob and a place to sleep. i think we covered everything, and we'll see what two baby showers bring in. that's right, i said TWO baby showers. i have my fancy shmancy one that my stepmother is throwing me, and my more relaxed one that my mother-in-law is throwing me. between the two we should be pretty set for when the baby gets here.

i have a partial previa. there, i said it. it's a minor complication at this stage of the pregnancy, but should it continue into the 3rd trimester, i'll have to face more serious risk factor. as long as i stick to no booty from my man and no heavy lifting, then there's a 90% chance this will correct itsself by the time i go back for a follow-up ultrasound in 5 weeks. my fingers are crossed, and so are my legs, for that matter.

this month is busy busy busy for me. now that i've broken the akward silence on this thing, i'll more than likely be posting more. i certainly have plenty going through my mind these days. peace.

a promise what?

2005-03-21T09:45:00.000-06:00

a promise wedding. if there isn't an existing definition for that term, then tommy and i will spend our time in oklahoma defining it.

we're off to muskogee, oklahoma a week from wednesday for a leon lifer retreat. we'll spend our sleep time in a hotel, but the rest of the weekend will be spent going to 2 leon russell shows, performing in the shindig, and eating and drinking and being merry at miss honey's house.

somewhere in the middle of all that fun tommy and i have decided to have a small wedding ceremony. we still intend on having our balls to the wall wedding sometime after the kid is born, but we figured it would be fun to pledge our commitment to one another among our extended family of lifers who won't make it to the big wedding. just some vows and a couple of james avery silver bands, but nothing legal as of yet. our friend from tulsa, steve, will be our minister....in a manner of speaking. i can handle something small scale right now, but nothing too big until i'm less big, you know?

outside of making those arrangements, we had a relaxing weekend. we had to make a small trip to my office to get cleaned up for the audit, but we managed to squeeze in karaoke and practice time and chill time with dawn and her brother. i just wish i could sleep better - this insomnia is killing me.

warning: threats of an enlarged woman dancing

2005-03-18T08:04:00.000-06:00

ok, so i'm pushing over 40 hours this week at the main job, i've worked 2 nights this week until midnight, and tonight i'll be lucky to be out of video hell before 1am. i don't mind the work....really. i get home and tommy rubs my feet and my cats love on me and the sunken in spot on my mattress that used to be my grandfather's wraps itself around in a warm and cozy way.

i supose i'm bound to have a period of adjustment to the 2-job scene again. i used be be like a freaking machine, but i've become rather lax over the past year. ah, well.....a little coffee and a pile of money later, i'll be doing a happy dance in front of my new t.v. and my computer capable of running sims 2. in my new maternity clothes. and i'll look exceptionally hot shakin' my new and improved ba-donk-a-donk ass, i might add.

*sigh* today i'm tired and ready for a morning without alarm clocks.

moved in, lonely, and desperate for free movies

2005-03-09T12:02:00.000-06:00

the apartment is officially unpacked, and of course no one wants to come over. we can't show off our glorious decorating skills to our friends that can fake interest if they don't come over.

it's probably for the best. until we get the new t.v. for the living room, there's not much to offer in the way of entertainment unless people don't mind chess, mancala or card games. so we've just holed ourselved up in the bedroom watching american idol and the simpsons. i can't wait to get the new entertainment center set up...it's going to be pretty darn sweet once it's all in line.

i got a second job. i have plenty of energy, and the extra money will be nice. we have so much we want to prepare for the baby's arrival, and there's no reason i can't do the hollywood video bit 3-4 nights per week. tommy's child support takes so much out of his check that he just doesn't bring in enough - can you see why he'll be the one staying home with the baby? the manager at the new job is my good friend and is competely okay with my pregnancy thing. it's a win-win situation in my opinion once you consider the free movie rentals.

instinct vs. expert opinion

2005-03-08T09:38:00.000-06:00

now that i'm settled in to the new pad, more or less, i've been taking the time to think about what the little peanut will add to tommy's and my little world. of course this child will be brought into as loving an environment as any baby could ask for between our friends and family. it's the decisions that lie ahead that i can't help but begin thinking about.

in all of my extensive reading, due in part to my terrifically over-analytical brain absorbing as much information as possible, i have to force myself not to be overwhelmed by the opinions of everyone else. many people believe that their method of parenting is the end-all, know-all solution for everyone else out there. perhaps seeking out the best solution according to others is a bit ridiculous in it's own right, so i have to consider my motivation for researching as much as i do.

i know that the majority of good parenting relies on instinct. i would have a really hard time going against my gut based on some article i read, for example. i just don't want to fall into common mistakes that could lead disaster or problems such as hospitalization. i do enjoy hearing different points of view, but not because i intend to believe their propaganda. it just helps me better round out my own decisions and add strength to my convictions. okay, now that i feel i've been clear enough on my motivations, i can continue to express my thoughts on what i've seen thus far.

how do people honestly expect new mothers today to feel confident? on the one hand you have to pick your baby up when it cries, lest it suffer abandonment issues that will most certainly scar it for life. on the other you have a child who learns that your attention comes whent hey cry, which could lead to tantrems and spoiled behavior during their toddler years. on the one hand you could enroll your child in language classes at 2 years old and have them reading and writing by the age of three in order to use their powerful learning capacities as toddlers. on the other you could stimulate your child's creativity through interaction and activities and the like to lay the foundation of a broad mind and allow the structured learning to come at a more appropriate age, like 5. homescholling offers an extensively broader curriculum that you can tailor to your beliefs and morals and allow your kids the freedom to enjoy learning, where public schools offer more structure and social interaction and a more limited curriculum.

understand all of these statement are based on "espert" opinions, and each view offers a whole slew of reasons why it is the best. how does one find a middle ground? you can't. you just have to accept that there will always be someone there to second guess your decision as a parent, i suppose. odd that i should learn this before i even venture out onto the parenting limb, but i consider it to be a useful piece of information to arm myself with. i have a supportive family who will tell me what a good job i'm doing as well as point out where i seem to need some work. i trust their opinion, and i trust tommy's even more. he and i will always have each other to lean on when we are singled out by "perfect" parents for making what we consider to be healthy choices for our kid.

i just hate to anticipate all of this ahead of time. maybe by doing so i'll be able to greet the actual situation with a bit of humor. then i can laugh in the faces of those who tell me i will either burn in hell or deeply scar my child and yadda yadda yadda.

the move: part 2

2005-03-02T10:07:00.000-06:00

well, all of the moving was done last night. i now have a living room full of boxes that i can't touch until i get the old place deposit-refund-ready. we did manage to get the kitchen, bathroom and electronics unpacked. now we can eat, take a shower and watch movies...how's that for priorities?

side note: i could of done without the old hag who gave me the walkthrough telling me that my baby could most certainly hear things and how i should be singing to it. i've done my homework, you prune, and my baby does not yet have functioning ears. i will be singing horribly to my child within a few weeks when it is actually time. that's when i made her mark the greyish stains on my living room carpet that i know i can get out - i need as much leeway moving out of this place as possible.

will you get married already?

2005-03-01T12:50:00.000-06:00

naturally, with a baby on the way, people have been asking whether or not tommy and i have made marraige plans. being that the question is repeatedly brought up, we sat down and discussed our thoughts on the matter to make sure we were on the same page. we don't play coy with shit like this.

we decided that the reason behind the question wasn't centered around wanting to see a pretty wedding with a pretty dress and pretty flowers. it was also not surrounding the christian belief that marraige should come before babies. it was more a question of our commitment as a team to the baby. upon realizing this, we agreed that the level of commitment was most certainly there....without question. we love each other and we are excited about becoming parents together. we feel that this baby is not something we're commiting to as a means of bringing us closer together or savigng the relationship or a decision we've made just because we feel there's no other alternative. we feel this is a blessing designed to enrich our lives, but we are already closer than either of us has ever been in a previous relationship. our friendship is one that will endure and bind us together both in a state of unconditional love and in the red-hot attraction we continue to have for each other. we have discussed at length our commitment, and forever is not just a word we say...we mean forever.

i don't intend to rush off to the justice of the peace to have the legalities taken care of. in fact, i fear that if we did that then we'd never get around to having a real wedding. we are both relatively traditional people. tommy wants to be able to get down on one knee and ask me to be his until the end of time, and i want know that experience. i want a wedding of sorts with family and friends and a beatiful dress. i want vows and misty eyes and that sweet first kiss as a married couple. i do not want these things when i'm 7 months pregnant and bloated and rushed.

as easy as it is for me to explain this to those who ask, they never seem to understand. i cannot make it more black and white, but they insist that we should just get married and be done with it because it's the "right thing to do". considering that we are two consenting adults, i think we are more than capable of deciding what is "right" for us. i feel a pressure that should not exist. i wish it were easier for me to ignore the pointed fingers and accusations that i'm bumbling around without a clue as to what i'm getting myself into. i trust my intuition, and regardless of where that's taken me in the past i feel that it is the best path for me to follow at this point. i feel better venting a bit about it, i suppose. i've tried to explain our feelings in a calm way, and that is really all i can do. hopefully they will see my plans come in to fruition in a positive light and lay off the issue a bit. i'm pregnant. i'm moving. i don't need this crap.

the move: part 1

2005-02-28T10:23:00.000-06:00

so tomorrow we move in to the new place....all two bedrooms of it. it's actually a sweet little upgrade from where we've been for the last 13 months. the dining room is actually a seperate room rather than a walkway to the kitchen door. this means we'll actually get to invest in a dining room table......oooooooooooooooooooooooooo....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. we've got some upgrades on the horizon to make the place warm and cozy with all the necessary comforts allowing us to become homebodies with the little one. we figure it's best to get all this crap now since all our money will go to the baby once it gets here.

in fact, i think i'll list our planned upgrades. noone else really comes here to read this mush, so i can do what i please. besides, making lists makes me feel like the goals are that much more attainable.

new t.v. - very early april we'll bee using our free month's rent to get a 36" t.v. and entertainment center for the living room so we can move the other entertainment center and t.v. to the bedroom. i'll be breastfeeding in there, so i deserve a t.v.

dining room table - we're hoping to pick up a used dining room table off of someone from freecycle. i have to be quick, but i can catch one possibly between now and june if i stay on it.

computer desk and computer stand - i want to be rid of the desk i have (probably freecycle it) and buy a nice corner desk. there's plenty of room in my spacious dining room for a table and my computer stuff. we'll also need a little $50 computer stand for the second computer we'll have networked to the main one.

kitchen junk - our larger kitchen will be able to hold more junk, which means we can buy some of the fun cooking stuff we've needed, but not had the room to hold. these include some medium saucepans with lids, some tupperware, a seasoning rack, bar glasses, and a few other odds and ends like a fruit basket that can sit on our open bar.

that's about it for "the list" thus far. you'll notice i did not mention baby room stuff. i haven't forgotten about the little peanut, but considering that this child will be spoiled beyond beleif by my family and tommy's alike, we're not too worried about the baby stuff coming together before it's arrival.

all in all this is shaping up to be a great 2005. i'm psyched about the move, but i need to find my heating pad. All this packing bullshit has made my back ache.

my first maternal twinges.....or maybe it was gas

2005-02-18T08:36:00.000-06:00

so in my dream i'm trapped in my horrible office elevator. it's skipping floors and the doors won't open and i am in labor and crying wildly. somehow or another (well, it's a dream) i end up in the hospital and labor is over. the doctor has taken my baby and set him down on a table. the baby is sitting up looking around wildly - and yes, i am aware that babies don't sit up for several months after being born, but dammit my kid will be so gifted and advanced physically and mentally that it will be doing backflips by 3 months. so there.

anyhow.....tommy picks up the baby, who is cying hysterically at this point. i reach out my arms and he lays the baby on my chest. i instantly begin stroking the crying child - MY crying child - on his tiny little head and back while saying "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...it's okay....shhhhhhhhhhhhhh". and the little thing just stops crying and relaxes in my arms. and i woke up with the slightest twinge of what you might call a maternal instinct. for a moment i felt completely at peace. it was nifty.

dinner and a heartbeat

2005-02-15T12:15:00.000-06:00

today is payday, and given a nice tight budget squeeze i was able to allow enough money for tommy and i to have a celebratory date. we figure between the end of the 1st trimester, valentine's day, and hearing the baby's heartbeat there was enough to justify a night of tasty seafood. so tonight will be shrimp and pina coladas (virgin for me, thanks).

yesterday's doctor's appointment was awesome. it was the first time i had ever gotten to hear/see the activity going on with the little peanut. the heart is a-thumpin' away in there, and i can feel my uterus popping out of my hipbones. so my pudge is a kid....i swear.....

feverish lamentations

2005-02-14T08:08:00.000-06:00

i was fine monday. dandy, as a matter of fact. i went home and took tommy out for some crawfish that i'd been wildly craving. i went to bed after watching a movie. then tuesday i woke up to a ferocious fever and sniffling nose and sored throat and oh my god, i'm dying! please help me! i'm pregnant and i can't take any medicine!

well, i can, actually. i just sort of overreacted at the time. tylenol for the fever (which worked), sudafed for the congestion (which was a waste of money....that crap just sucks), robitussin for the cough (it took the tussin with coedine to let me sleep), and lotion for my aching nose that was trying to rot itsself off my face. when i get sick, i am a wuss, and i usually get REALLY sick. after 4 days of being a baby i was crawling around on my own again. now i'm back in full swing and feeling good.

today is the day i get to hear my baby's heartbeat! on valentine's day, no less. this is going to be a great day. tommy an i have no money to do anything fun tonight, but i get paid tomorrow, so we'll make up for it. it's nice to be back.

Smug response to your smug string of b.s.

2005-02-07T10:47:00.000-06:00

I understand that in certain life situations you can't force things to happen any faster than they're naturally inclined. For instance, I can't force the reality of this pregnancy to set in within myself no matter how hard I ache for the reality to sink in and ground my flighty brain.

It's easy for me to imagine life with a baby. I mean, I was young once. I played house and make believe, and deep down I've always intended to end up a mother at some point. I imagine waking up in the middle of the night and putting a crying newborn to my breast and acheiving a new level of consciousness due to a mixture of sleep-deprivation and motherly love. I can see the diaper changes. I can see the restless nights and irritation between tommy and i because of it all. I am aware of the sacrifices that go along with having a child. Okay, perhaps not ALL, but I do at least allow thoughts of the nitty gritty stuff to enter my fantasy world. Anyhow.....

Despite my attempts, I cannot seem to shake off the pure giddiness. I am beside myself with joy....excited beyond description. Believe me, I know how great it is to be as positive as I am, but there are people out there misinterpreting the smile on my face. They see my smile and they want to remind me how having a baby is not all peaches and cream. They take it upon themselves to let me know how stressful having a child can be and that if I don't start to understand that now then I will be doomed to that overwhelming reality once the kid arrives. As if I am so blinded that I wouldn't open my mind to the possibility of anything negative happening after the baby was born. I, apparently, have no credibility whatsoever with the people I surround myself with.

So now my insecurities don't stem from wondering whether or not I'm prepared to have a child. I don't lay awake at night contemplating this life-changing decision that I''ve made to bring a life into the world. Instead I feel like I should be worrying over something that does not want to get me down no matter how hard I try. I suppose in today's society it's better to pessimistic and then be pleasantly surprised when good things do happen, but I cannot rewire myself to fit that description. It's not that I don't worry about whether or not I'll be able to raise a kid with strong morals and high self-esteem and all that....of course I wonder at how I'll manage all that. It's just that I don't stress about it in a pessimistic sort of way. I know that this child will be very loved, very nurtured, and living in an overall pleasant environment. I see the big picture.

I keep thinking that maybe this train of thought is just the fact that reality hasn't really set in. I mean, I'm only 3 months along here and I haven't even felt the baby move or heard it's heartbeat. Perhaps I am disillusioned, but let me have that much for now. You people can smile your smug little smiles when I become a nervous wreck as you predicted I would. And then you can bite me.

the unintended update

2005-02-02T09:31:00.000-06:00

so the little bit now has a cardiovascular system, the beginnings of a bone structure, a spine and a set of ears. fingers and toes are distinguishable and in 3 days or so the voice box will be formed. it's swimming around freely in my grapefruit-sized uterus....how cool is that? pretty damn cool.

today's free lunch wednesday, which means lunch with dad. he wanted stupid cafe express, but i told him the baby wanted salsa and was doing a salsa dance right now and if he really wanted to make the kid happy he'd take me to escalante's for mexican food. he gave in. i have all the power, now. so ha ha ha......well, i still have to figure out how to use the baby to stop having to make car payments to him, but that's another day. in the meantime, hooray for responsibility.

still not much puking. just stretch marks on my enlarged breasts that tommy has to tell me are sexy (the stretch marks, not the big breasts....although he digs those, too). all in all, it's been a pretty smooth pregnancy thus far. i suppose i'll be punished during labor or something, but that's what medication is for.

okay, i didn't mean to make this strictly a pregnancy update, but look what i did. ah, well....i'll do a more emotional entry another time. for now, the job calls.

it's the new karaoke!

2005-01-26T08:36:00.000-06:00

tommy and i have taken to bowling as of late. taken to isn't exactly the correct phrase....i suppose it's our new obsession. we've been spending the weekdays trying to round up people to come to rock n bowl on the weekends. so far nobody's enthusiasm has quite matched ours, but we've had a few good times.

to quote tommy: "we've been getting into bowling BIG TIME......like i want my own shoe and balls!"

hysterical laughter ensued after that statement.

there is one person who's been jumping on the bowling bandwagon - mike. mike's an all-around good guy. good meaning respectful, courteous, fun, and into most of the same things tommy and i are. we've only recently been doing some major hanging out with him, but it's been time well spent. the more positive people we surround ourselves with, the better.

anyhow, this weekend will mark the biggest bowling round-up thus far. i'm curious to see the old friends and new friends thrown into the soup together.....in a sick sort of way. my old "friends" never really have anything nice to say about anyone else unless the anyone else has been feeding their egos to the proper degree. they're one of those long-distance friends who live close enough for the relationship to exest otherwise, but you prefer the "long distance" attitude.

the new is wearing off....

2005-01-26T08:28:00.000-06:00

ok, i was blessed up until now. i had not had to face the puking demon that accompanies many pregnancies. really the only symptoms i had were aching, larger breasts and a strong desire to nap when i got home from work. it was smooth sailing, and i was getting aquainted with the idea of a new person entering my life.

now......now i'm hitting 10 weeks and having dizzy spells (common). i can't sleep more than 2 hours at a time, and never more than 6 hours total in a night. i have a horrible yeast infection thanks to my raging hormones, and i can't get enough sleep ever. it's all downhill from here. but this is such a beautiful, magical experience! pffft.

what i wouldn't give to be able to enjoy a super-hot bubble bath and a glass of wine and a freaking cigarette. only 6 1/2 more months. tommy was joking about bringing a flask into the delivery room so the moment that cord gets cut, it's drinking time! he's so silly.

thank god he doesn't work at corperate

2005-01-17T15:53:00.000-06:00

there is a superintendent here at the job that makes me swoon. not in a crazy i-want-to-leave-tommy-and-make-babies-with-this-guy sort of way, either, so let's just get that straight right off the bat. it's like my crush on alan jackson - a safe, amusing line of thinking that is purely whimsical yet oh-so-naughty.

he's tall and muscular with a natural tan tone to his skin and short, dark hair. i talk to him on the phone a lot about vendor bullshit, and his voice is what does me in.......low, seductive, and just freaking sexy. i honestly don't know what color his eyes are because i don't think i've ever been able to meet them in a face to face encounter. yeah, i'm a pussy.....i get jittery around such a hunky piece of southern goodness.

i've actually had a dream with him in it. it wasn't hot and heavy....i was on the phone with him and drooling or some shit.....i forget the details now.

so he just strolled in and checked his box, which happens to be right outside my door. we exchanged hellos, and my mind took a filthy turn. i am so glad he's out in the feild most of the time.

tommy would be annoyed with me if i told him this, and that just sucks. i find it terribly amusing and i can't share it with him. he gets threatened by such things.....puh-lease. like i'm going to ride off into the sunset with this guy. psha. although i would like to record some of our telephone conversations and play back him saying my name repeatedly......i mean.....ummmmmmmm....back to work.

here's to a happy 2005!!!

2005-01-03T13:23:00.000-06:00

so tommy and i rang in the new year with some booty and the sweet sound of gunshots being fired throughout his parents' neighborhood. fun fun fun......

2005 will be both fo our golden years - me turning 23 on april 23 and him turning 31 on october 31. it's also the year of the baby. we've decided it will also be a year of purging negative influences in our lives. there's are a few people who have nothing but nasty things to say about other people or us or what have you.....being that we are two consenting adults bringing a child into the world, we figured it best to let these people know "if you've got nothing nice to say, then we'll catch you later". no need for us to be nasty about it. it's just a simple matter of saying "i really don't want to hear this negativity, so i'll catch you later." dig it.

my mother accused tommy of stealing my sister's money over the christmas holiday. this is my sister making drama. this is the girl who, when we announced our pregnancy news, started bawling like a baby and going on and on about her abortion and how terrible she fels about it. how about a congratulations, you little twat? is that too much to ask? she then spent the rest of the weekend berating and insulting me in that oh-so-sweet way she has which makes her say "i didn't mean it like that" if she's cornered about the snooty bullshit. she claims she's bi-polar, but to be honest, i don't think that's it at all. she just wants an excuse. ah, well. i've drifted off on a tangent i didn't intend to touch on today.

as far as my mother's accusations, it's obvious that we fought. in fact it was the last great argument of 2004, as it turns out. i waited until i got in front of a computer today to finally attempt to resolve it, and here's what she'll find in her inbox this afternoon:

good morning, mom!

being that we managed to end the year 2004 with an argument, i figured i would start off 2005 with a nice email. i hope you guys had a great, happy 2005 celebration. we did the boring stay at home thing with tommy's parents which actually turned out to be a really nice evening. i needed a really nice evening.....maybe 2 0r 10. anyhow.....

i'm sorry i was angry when i called. i would like to explain that it was more a culmination of built up negativity than it was that specific situation. please know that i love you with all of my heart. you are my mother, and therefore a role model and a pillar of unfaltering strength in my life when i need it. i adore the time spent with you on so many levels, and if i don't say that enough, please know it to be true always.

as is important in any relationship, including family, it is better to discuss things which bother one another rather than allow the tension to build up into a little ball ready to explode at the tiniest irritation. unfortunately this is a major setback in most of my relationships due to my preference of having things run smoothly and not making waves. so here's my attempt to air out a few things that need to be said.....please listen, as this is terribly difficult for me and odds are that i won't have the courage to say them again.

i understand that you want this wonderful life for me. you felt as though in your youth you weren't given (or didn't take) certain opportunities that are more available to me in my generation. though i appreciate your pushing me to do bigger and better things in my life, i feel as though my happiness doesn't really factor in with your plans for me. i don't like lots of money - i never have. i've seen what too much money can do to a family and an individual, and i don't want to let that change the person i am. i want to teach. this is a profession that does not make tons of money yet would be the MOST REWARDING profession for me to persue. you have never seemed to approve of this decision, and have always been ready with another suggestion as far as my career path goes. i feel like i can only discuss the "going to college" part of this dream with you because that's the only part of it that you approve of. your arguments always included sayings such as "teachers really don't make enough money" or "are you sure?". yes, i'm sure.....positive as a matter of fact, and there is plenty of money for me to live and be happy with. $37,000 annually will suit me just dandy as a starting salary.

now a subject that is touchy, yet necessary - tommy. i love tommy with all my heart. you detest him and have made no effort to truly get to know the fun, wonderful man he is because, again, in your plan for my life my happiness takes the back burner. he's not with me for my money or to take advantage. please....i'm waaaaay too much of a control freak to be bothered by that. he lets everything be in my name for that reason. he's with me because we are two kindred spirits. when we first met we might have known each other for a hundred years - and that's just the place we started from. in the past year and a half that we've been together, we've discovered so much about ourselves and each other. we've found a way to be happy and confident and make plans that we intend to follow through on and have the confidence to do them with. this is truly a first for me. how could you deny me that? how could you tell me that this influence - this wonderful man who i adore and cherish and love so much - is not enough for me simply because he doesn't make enough money? that seems a particularly shallow way of thinking to me.

*side note* it feels so good to finally express how much i care about him to you because your negativity towards him always kept me silent before. it's empowering, to say the least.

finally we get to the pregnancy. i have cast off two children and mourned them enormously. i understand that i was not ready, and that is my only real consoling thought about those low moments in my life. yet everything happens for a reason. here i was just starting to make healthier decisions in my life. i'd started eating better and exercising. i'd all but quit drinking. i'd fallen into a position with a stable company that adores me and pays well and is, in fact, looking for MORE ways to reward my performance. i'd reached a new level of emotional stability with the man i loved, and had finally discovered the woman that i am and what i am capable of. then this blessing comes along, and tommy and i are elated. we feel in our heart of hearts that this was a precious gift given to us. we sat down and discussed the responsibility of a child at length and what we would have to do to raise it, and decided that we were okay with the small sacrifices that would need to be made. it was then that we told people. nobody EXCEPT MY FAMILY has had anything negative to say about this. this breaks my heart. yes, my heart truly aches because i can't share in this excitement with the people who i love more than anything. for my own mother, who raised me to think independantly and make decisions based on what worked for me and always told me i could do anything, has told me that i will surely fail at this and doubted me from the get-go. at this point i am so hurt that i almost don't care for your support. why would i want support cloaked in negativity? how could i bring a life into the world surrounded by doubt? it's just not going to happen that way.

on that note, why would i want a child to be influenced by people who think their father is a loser? that is unacceptable.....i had to endure the constant attacks between my parents as a child of divorce, and i will not allow that attitude to exist with my own baby.

by the way, how many times have things come up missing when tommy and i have been there before? could you count for me? so far i'm at NONE. this is precisely the reason i don't care to engage in drawn out events with tara. she is too much for me to be around, and her persistantly stirring the pot whenever possible is getting a bit ridiculous. i am sorry that i have no interest in a relationship with my sister....i know that hurts you. i can't be close with someone who manipulates and pokes and prods for the sake of a response and further attention being centered on themselves. it's not a healthy relationship for me to be in. i will always be there to listen when she calls and needs an ear, but anything further would overstep my own personal comfort zone.

well, mom, i think i've let the beast step down off my shoulders. there's my laundry hung out to dry. i wish i would have said these things sooner, because now i feel like we are in this big argument that shouldn't have happened. although your accusing tommy cuts like a knife...really, it does. you don't give me much credit. um....obviously i'm still working on swallowing that pill. i'm sorry.

all these things i've said have led me to a decision. as an adult, i can CHOOSE what to engage in as far as my every day life is concerned. based on this, i choose to not allow negative influences slowly chip aways at the individual that i am or the people in my life. if you have nothing but disapproval for my state of affairs, then it's probably best that we don't see/talk to each other as much as we have been. if you reach a point where you can accept the decisions i've made and be happy in knowing that i am growing into a strong young woman with high hopes for her future, then i would love to share in the joys of my everyday life with you. this in no way is meant to say that i don't want to hear about the latest and greatest in your life. i want to hear when you guys are doing well or not so hot. that will never change, as i enjoy our conversations immensely. i love you, mom. i want you to be happy for me with all my heart and soul....please consider what i've said here. please respond. i'm so sorry we fought, and i hope the new year will be a positive one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

we'll see what she says. i'm not hoping for much of a response - just some defensive angry retorts, but nothing that involves much understanding. it was definately worth a shot, though.

nobody else (of the negative bunch) has really made enough effort lately in the friendship department to even deserve an email or phone call from me regarding this sort of thing. if they come around talking their nasty bullshit, i'll let them know. until then, HAPPY 2005!!!!!!!!!!

the big baby news!!!

2004-12-22T08:45:00.000-06:00

so, i'm pregnant.

i'm also scared, excited, ecstatic, nervous and a whole sea of other emotions.

tommy and i are going to be parents. we've been faced with this decision before, but decided an abortion was the best course of action due to our financial situation at the time. this time, however, is a different story altogether.

i have a stable, excellent job with a dependable income. if tommy takes the graveyard shift at a warehouse, then we'll be able to always have someone home to watch the baby and still have nights and weekends for some personal time of our own. i understand the responsibility of a child is a big one, but every bone in my body tells me that i will be a good mother and tommy a great father, and we're ready to greet this experience with heads held high. right now i'm only 4 1/2 weeks, which means i'm just enjoying the idea right now without the burden of the puking and aching breasts and constant peeing. i admit i am overwhelmed by my emotions.

i keep thinking "wow! a year from now i will be giving the first christmas to a 4-month old child!", and things along that line. i'm positively delighted with the thought of the joys of parenting being bestowed upon us.....what a gift. i hope i am able to give this child a happy home. good morals, patience, understanding....these are the qualities i need to fine tune within myself so i can pass them on to this beautiful creation. i want the challenge...i want the adventure....i want the crying because its accompanied by lots of laughter and sweet hugs and warm kisses. i've stepped onto a roller coaster and thrown my hands in the air and squeled with delight as it leaves the station where i once stood.

we've told immediate family and friends. well, tommy's family, at least. mine will have to wait until i'm emotionally ready to deal with their criticism. they have had a picture of what i need to be doing with my life and in what order it should be done, my mother especially. they've made me doubt my own abilities, and i will not allow them to do that to me in this enormous decision i've made. i am a capable, responsible 22-year old. yes, i do not have a college degree....yet.....but who's to say i'll never get one. once i get a baby off my boob, i'll be able to attend night classes. it'll all fall into place. but rather than justify my reasons or plans for my parents, i'd prefer to just let them know that they raised me to make decisions for myself, and they will have to choose whether or not to accept the fasct that they will be grandparents or not. now i know that once the baby is born they'll be beside themselves with joy, but until that time, i'll have to get through this without their support.

tommy's parents are skipping and dancing and shouting "yipeeeeeeee!". they're behind us 110%, and it's nice to know i have a place to turn with my hulking pregnant body in a few months for a little support. our friends congratulated us, but had reservations hidden behind their smiles. it's alright, though. we knew there would be people riding both sides of the fence, but really the 2 most important opinions are our own. we're delighted. looks like this blog will take a prenant turn for the next 8 months. here we goooooooooooooo!!!!!

a christmas non-rant

2004-12-13T09:57:00.000-06:00

i've read several people's blog entries regarding the degredation of the holiday season , and frankly, i do not agree. see, i understand that a lot of the holiday season gets wrapped in a big commercial blanket that keeps the retailers sucking the last drop out of customers and whatnot. i do not, however, feel that the message is entirely lost, or even depreciating over time.

it's true, if you turn on your television or drive past a store/mall, you will see enticing red and green displays anytime after halloween. there will be billboards and commercials and mascots and discounts and everything else of that nature catering to the shopping community. well, it's freaking america and that freaking smart business. retailers know that they will sell more at christmas for a fact, so why should they waste an opportunity to exploit that fact? this country is designed so that franchises and corperations could use marketing to their advantage. getting angry about the fact that it happens seems silly to me considering that if you had poured your money and heart and soul into a retail business, you would do exactly the same thing.

the commercialism is always the public front, but we as individuals know for a fact that there is more than meets the eye here in good old america. just because t.v. seems to define christmas by gifts and the like does not mean that is the true heart of the matter for most families. most families, christian or not, enjoy the holidays because of the opportunity to get the family and friends together for a few hours. the gift exchange has become a family affair, or tradition, if you will. some people really take the time to honor the birth of on christmas day, and that is wonderful, but just because there are families that leave that out of their celebrating does not mean that the message has been entirely lost on them. we're talking about fellowship. people come together around christmas to share in the love and unity of their family and friends. isn't the christian god about unconditional love and forgiveness? wouldn't christ smile at the children running downstairs to find gifts in honor of their good behavior, or the couple who exchanges heartfelt sentiments on their first holiday season together? though the christian god does not happen to guide my spiritual path, i have at least seen/read enough to know that he would not smite us one by one for not bowing down and paying homage to the birth of his son. it is the good intentions we have that make the holiday season such a wonderful one. do not judge lest ye be judged yourself - doesn't this mean that making generalizations about the world degrading the holiday with their lack of this or putting too much emphasis on that is rather uncalled for? if god is such an inspiring and personal pillar for you and your family, then why not seek him out and make your holiday what you want it to be. is the rest of the world really ruining that powerful connection for you? i imagine not.

it is true that people, and most especially mothers, get a bit frazzled this time of year. people feel like building up to christmas is such a burden, and this giant weight rests on everyone's shoulder, especially during the short days between thanksgiving and christmas. it is these people that get to feel the pure joy on christmas day when all the running around, bargain shopping, agonizing over the right gift, cooking, and even crying has given way to a delightfully warm, peaceful day with loved ones happy as can be and thanking you for your hard work. it's refreshing for some mothers to have that one day of recognition and joy to reflect upon through the mass of day-to-day on the go happenings throughout the rest of the year. at least that's the message i've gotten from the people i know.

true, i've dwelled on the happy majority for my christmas musings, but i even have the same amount of hope and tolerance for those who "distort the holiday within their home". it's a free country, and everyone's got their own interpretation of the holiday. this is a fact that i have no control over, so again, getting angry about it won't solve anything. for years i was pissed at my stepmother because i felt like she bastardizing christmas by turning our tree into a page from a martha stewart catalog and tossing all my childhood ornaments aside in the attic somewhere. i finally reached a point where i don't feel like she's not "getting" christmas. she has every right to add her form of tradition to the family, and i came to find her knack for making things aesthetically pleasing in one incredibly creative form or another extremely endearing. sure i got pissed when my father wouldn't give me those old dusty ornaments for my own tree, but if it makes him feel better to have something so monumentally sentimental close to him, even if it's in the attic in a box, then i can't really be upset about it.

my personal experiences with the holiday season make me more and more of a cheerleder for it. please note that i said my PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. everything stated here is of but one humble opinion, and i have every right and reason to express it. i feel like there's so much to be happy about, and this is one of the few times of the year when most people express those feelings. the true spirit of giving and loving and remembring the past has not been stamped out by the evil retail world, and it won't ever be. i just wish that people would stop spreading their anti-christmas babble because none of their points really hold any water, as most of the things they're pissed off about do not affect their interpretaion of the holiday season in the slightest way. happy holidays, folks.

abbreviated version of my lost post

2004-12-10T13:53:00.000-06:00

things are off for some reason. he's acting funny, and when he acts funny it usually means he's doing something stupid to try to break us up. i don't really have the heart to play snoopy and find out, so i'll just cross my fingers and hope he gets his shit straight before it's too late.

in other news, it's friday and the weather is beyond gorgeous. it's not exactly christmas weather, but blue skies and low humidity are about all you can hope for in a texas winter. i hope to get the chance to enjoy it.

the ex, his wife and child will be coming over for dinner tomorrow night. we parted on shaky ground, but apologies have been made and accepted between now and then and everybody's friends at this point. he's with a really sweet lady who i see as being the perfect match for him. goodness knows i wasn't.....geesh.

i have a temp in to catch my filing up....yes, i broke down and asked for help. after the holidays are done you will find me fresh and ready for the new year. whoopee, and happy 2005. bring it on. time to get through the afternoon so i can go home and play.

cyberspace ate my post

2004-12-10T13:07:00.000-06:00

LOST:
emotional, well-written post by RagingCow
if found, please return
REWARD: to be negotiated

bonus me, please....on the color of the sky

2004-12-07T13:28:00.000-06:00

so the receptionist at my job has flipped her lid. that's right, she's gone bonkers. this is literal, folks. she had a nervous breakdown about 3 years ago before she took this job, and she's done it again. for the last two weeks i've been having to bust my ass even more and work late due to having to answer the phones and cover her missing butt. i don't mean to sound cruel - i can sympathize with her situation. i can also bitch about my workload increasing due to her absence....and i will.

the big boss could have had a temp in here to make life easier on all the girls in the office. apparently that decision would require a definative answer in regards to whether of not she would be returning. stupid stupid stupid.....just have a dumb little twit of a girl come answer the phones while you try to talk to ms. psycho. ok, so that was really last week's complaint. this week they did, in fact, get a twit of a girl in to answer the phones while they interview for the position. the rusult of little miss twit coming in? i've STILL had to answer the phones for half the morning while she tried to figure out how to order office supplies. i'm frustrated.

on a more positive note, christmas bonuses are coming soon.....thank goodness. i'll be counting on that to surprise tommy with a few special extras, and some for myself as well. with him not working, i can't count on him to remember the little stuff i want. i can splurge.

on top of the christmas bonus, i've been asked to think of another bonus system for my position. that's right, these folks want to give me even more company money - woo woo!! only trouble is, i have to devise a system of tracking my progress and meeting goals that's simple enough to apply a monthly dollar amount to. i love the concept, but it's just not that simple to apply considering what i do. i handle the accounts payable for a custom home builder. vp of contruction gives me all the invoices approved from the feild, and i enter them and print weekly checks. i handle the filing, seperate new invoices weekly for the superintendants, and am responsible for all utility terminations on closed homes. i speak with all the vendors bitching about wanting money, and then i have to keep track of those vendors on a regular basis and make sure they're happy so we don't get put on credit hold with them. the paperwork i get every week is pretty high volume, so i'm usually really busy, but it's nothing that i control. for example, i can't control how much paperwork comes into my office - it's a matter of how much work we have, which isn't my department. i can't do it on utility termination because i don't control how many home closings we have in a month. i'm just at a loss, but eager to come up with a way to earn more cash......i'll figure it out.

ode to my diet

2004-12-07T08:58:00.000-06:00

oh, how i have underestimated you, Healthy Choice. for years i've passed you on the shelves and in the freezers and never cast even a sideways glance at you. i would excuse my horrible eating habits by going on and on about how terrible diet food was. please forgive my stupidity....i was naive. my youth had gotten the better of me, but i have seen the proverbial light. i have opened up my freezer to your delicious meals, and hopefully soon i will be reaping the benefits of a healthier diet. i owe it all to you.

ok....i just can't keep that shit up for very long. not the diet, but the ode to healthy choice. honestly, though, the shit ain't half bad. i allow myself to indulge on the weekend, but during the week i've been enjoying the many "taste sensations" offered by healthy choice frozen dinners. mmmmmmmmmm

i don't think i mentioned that "the evil closet of doom" has been cleaned and is now dubbed "the nifty walk-in storage space". i now have boxes and bags of clothes to donate at the Bands of Unity charity event i'm going to this sunday. it's certainly time for me to pay some of this stuff forward, and i'm feeling the urge, to say the least. it helps to put a little love in your heart. besides, battered women and children have it pretty tough, so i'm glad to help....the live music will be nice at well.

time for some breakfast.....oatmeal. how health-conscious am i?

family talk and bath time

2004-12-06T14:33:00.000-06:00

the stockings have been hung by the chimney with care (extreme care given that we have no mantle and had to hammer masonry screws into the brick) and the tree has been properlay adorned with brightly colored lights, balls, and ornaments. i made a wreath, which was a welcome project considering my recent energy for creative projects, and i'm proud, dammit. the glass/ceramic figurines have been stratigically placed around the abode to add to the wamth of the holidays, and i am quite the content little girl. my cats think they're christmas presents, although i've never seen a scratching hissy fit engaged by two presents before....but at least they're under the tree for it. oh, how i wish i had a camera...digital....with a view screen.....and lots of space.....and internet at home. wishing wishing wishing......

saturday was dedicated to tommy's family. his grandpa turned 73, and we were there for the festivities that may be carried over to a fishing weekend out at grandpa's lakehouse sometime soon. yipee!!

fishing takes me back to the days when i was a carefree, inquisitive little girl. i would put so much energy into finding the perfect spot around the pond at my grandfather's property in Thicket. i'd wait patiently after baiting my hook just so, and feel the goosebumps edging to the surface as my cork bobbed under the surface of the water. a quick snap of my pole and the hook was set.....i was proudly reeling in my catch of the day. there is a picture of me standing surrounded by the lush texas greenery in jeans and a tank top holding up a fish with a huge, proud grin planted on my face. seeing this takes me there once again, and it is a nice, happy place to be.

i love tommy's family....adore them. every family has it's quirks, mine included, but his family counteracts my family almost perfectly, which gives me the best of all worlds. i have been blessed. it's nice to be able to just call and head straight over to his parents house for some down time and laughs and bonding and whatnot. with my father you have to make an appointment up to a month in advance, and even then the wife may not be up for company, so you're s.o.l. that sucks, too, because sometimes i just want to come over long enough to watch a movie or play through a couple of songs on the guitar and then be on my way....i don't always want an all day affair complete with dinner and entertainment. ah, well, those days are fun, too. i love it all....i'm very family-centric. i eat that shit up and ask for seconds. if i ever have kids i will see them every day they let me after they move out.

i've taken to baths recently. with tommy and i still fighting the cigarette monster sometimes we get so huffy i just need a break, and the bothtub is my refuge. a few bubbles and a good book do me right and proper.

all this family talk springs from somewhere deep inside me. it's that voice that reminds me that my child would be celebrating her first christmas this year. the abortion was a good idea at the time, but now i'm getting more of age and looking to make up for past mistakes. i'm not trying for a kid, mind you, just lamenting. my maternal instincts have me crazy over the thought of a little one cradled in my arms. some day it'll happen, and when it does, baby, i'll be ready.

i have a tree - how about you?

2004-12-03T15:21:00.000-06:00

jiminy christmas, i can't wait to get home and decorate.....bought the nice cat-friendly fake tree last night. it's big enough for my apartment, and we stocked up on a few christmas goodies to start us off on the years of decorating to come. for my first time doing this thing, we aren't half bad. tis the season.....

i'm helping my dad build a computer and in return he's giving me his "old" one. thank goodness, as i'm dying for sims 2 and roller coaster tycoon 3. i am such a nerd. as if i would really die from a lack of those damn games. psha. as if.

i will die if another WARM FRONT shows it's fat, ugly stupid head in my texas holiday season. i need a white christmas....i'm past due. well well well, if i'd just get off my lazy ass and get my degree i could continue with my plan of moving to colorado. plans suck when they're long term. i have a tendancy to procrastinate to the point of silliness, and when something actually requires 4 years of dedication, a girl like me can be screwed. i'm great at planning. really. it's the follow through that kills me. ah, well.....i'll get around to it eventually.

it's off to hunt for more cheap additions to my decorating extravaganza....hello, dollar store!! in the meantime, if i have to answer the phone one more freaking time i will lose my mind. pray for a quiet afternoon at the office.

pre-decorating musings

2004-12-01T08:24:00.000-06:00

payday is always the best damn day of the month, in my humble opinion. i took my money and ran amuck last night leaving only a thin ad left to last me for the next 15 days. well, amuck isn't quite the word - it was more of a responsible spending sort of thing. so ha.

christmas is a-comin' to town. i actually wore LAYERS last night out and about. this is quite an occasion for me to pack on the warm fuzzy sweatshirts like i did......i grew up in a meat locker, so cut me some slack.

tommy and i marched into the HEB with our neat little grocery list chock full of healthy meal ideas and snacks and the like. the smell of firewood drifted across the parking lot to greet us and chrismas music played softly in the background reminding us that we've got to catch up to the rest of the commercial world and get to decorating.

so we got our rent money order done and bought an arsenal of weight loss munchies and headed home. once unloaded it was time to hightail it to his parents who were kind enough to fill a box full of christmas goodies to help us to be able to decorate.

silly me for thinking my dad would jump on such a generous train and help me out as well. my fathers most recent wife, karen, has made it a point to do a "martha stewart" tree which involves a color scheme and white lights. by all means, toss aside the sweet red and green and gold HANDMADE christmas decorations that used to adorn our tree. cast them off into to dark corners of the attick and display your pristine white and silver and crystal masterpiece...i don't mind at all. and when i call years later hoping to use these old dusty ornaments on my own tree glimmering with colored lights and big flashy ornaments, tell me that you'd rather keep them in your attic until the day you die. will there be any traditions/items of true sentimental value to pass down to your children, or will they all be resold or boxed away. i may be overreacting a smidge, but considering my track record with karen, idontfuckingthinkso.

so we walzed in to nita and gary's (tommy's parents') winter wonderland - it truly is - filled with christmas mugs, plates, ornaments, snowmen, lights, wreaths, candles, 2 (mini) christmas trees, christmas books arranged like a chistmas tree, dancing santas, standing santas, sitting santas, tropical santas, texas santas and more more more.....i love the holidays and their house is tha bomb!! we sat and listened to christmas music and nita got reminiscant about christmases past. it was warm and fuzzy despite gary's attempts to be angry, and we left with an armload of goodies and headed back to our very plain apartment. we'll be getting a tree and making a trip to wally world pronto to get our FIRST EVER CHRISTMAS DECORATING EXTRAVAGANZA going. i'm excited.

we snuggled into bed where visions of sugar plums danced in our heads until that bitch of an alarm clock called me back to el trabajo. today's a work late sort of day, so i suppose i should get on it.

my cat has the sniffles and i blame the humane society. my freezer is not quite functioning as well, which has the scrooge in me a little miffed. a few phone calls and appointments should do the trick......and some hot cocoa. yeah, i need some hot cocoa.

quit this, sucker

2004-11-30T13:33:00.000-06:00

there had been a lord-of-the-rings-athon going on for the past couple of days, and last night was meant to be a continuation of it. what actually happened was a nicotine-driven madhouse of him and back and forth and back and forth and tossing and turning and tossing and turning. it's my fault for breaking down and buying the damn pack of smokes over the weekend....hell, it was a party.....i actually tyhought i was doing my smoking friends a FAVOR by not bumming off them all weekend. instead it's like quitting all over again. our bodies are screaming obscenities at us in the way of lost attention spans and an inability to sleep. it's awful. if i was looking for a sense of accomplishment, though, i skimmed one book on dreams and one on magick, fought with my honey, made a grocery list, made dinner, fought with my honey again, took a bath, ate dinner, skimmed some more, fought with tommy over something trivial, watched about 10 minutes of lord of the rings and only got about 2 hours of sleep. somehow i'm not comforted by that list. i feel my feathers ruffling just by typing it.

woke up safe and secure in the cozy little cocoon that is my bed (i keep it insanely cold in the bedroom whilst i stay warm huddled beneath my down comforter) and somehow dragged my ass outta bed and into my get-ready routine. this sucks.

with him quitting the ole backup job, we're outta options for extra cashola. somehow we have to pay all the bills and still afford christmas. needless to say, i will NOT be making this semester's classes. motherfuckerlotherfuckermotherfucker. i hate delaying my plans. somehow he's convinced me he's worth it. maybe he's not the sole reason.....i could have saved my money. i've been careless with all the extra cash that's been flowing since he got the GOOD job, and now i'm paying the price for my video games and other assorted junk. i'm also terrified of actually accomplishing something as big as a college degree......scared shitless is more the term. i'll explain that one to ya another day. a quit smoking day is not the time.

the receptionist at my office has completely flipped her lid, and the resulting spill-over from her personal life has forced me to take on her responsibilities as well as my own. Great. Double great. Give me overtime without pay or give me death. I'm tired....and off to panhandle for some cigarette money.....

where's the freaking dark meat?!

2004-11-29T13:00:00.000-06:00

well well well.......3 thanksgivings in three days - what a trip.

thanksgiving # 1 - at the boyfriend's quite extensive family's house.

i huddled on the back porch in a cloud of bummed cigarette smoke and prayed that no one would try to start a conversation with me. don't get me wrong - i enjoy the hell outta some good conversation. in fact, i ADORE good conversation, but when you consider that each and every family member comes neatly packaged with a history of funny anecdotes and whatnots regarding the one you love, there's only so much you can take. not to mention the odds of avoiding an anecdote overload were not in my fovor considering there were over 30 people in that tiny house. for the most part everyone was amiable and just friendly enough to make us hightail it outta the at around 1 pm.

thanksgiving # 2 - at the boyfriends's sister's boyfriend's fmily's house

did ya get that? yeah, don't ask me why we were expected to go to Mr. Prim and Mrs. Proper's house at all except to further demonstrate that we (being my boyfriend, his parents and i) should not be forced into to environments so *ahem* high class that you wouldn't even DARE mention the word "dark meat" at thanksgiving dinner. that's right. instead of digging into the deliciously moist dark meat section of the bird, they had my boyfriend's sister, Molly, bring a SECOND TURKEY to ensure there was enough white meat to go around. then they were bitchy enough to not even serve the potatoes Molly brought as a contribution to the meal. well, they can continue to sit on it and twist a little more for all i care. us rednecks will go home home and crack open a beer and turn on a ball game and curse while scratching our asses and stuff like that. i've decided i prefer my "tier" in society a lot more than i would my boyfriend's sister's boyfriend's parents.

oddly enough my father has worked the last 15 years of his life to be as uppity as these people were. i prefer him playing guitar on the weekends and grilling on the back porch and letting all his girls come jump on his bed with magnolia blossems in hand 'cause they're daddy's favorite. i miss that dad sometimes......more like a lot of the time.

moving on..................

thanksgiving # 3 - a "Lifer Thanksgiving"

about 15 people crowded into Nita and Gary's house for a gathering of food, drink, memories, and lots of love. we had a great drunken good time. i would like to say that this was one of the rare occasions where i outlasted that man of mine and stayed up for another 2 hours smoking and drinking and carrying on with Gary and Mark.......ah, good times. really, though, it was great to see some of the smiling faces.

based on this weekend's events, it's safe to conclude that:

1. Ersten can be a real bitch sometimes.
2. Jeff's parents need to be beaten with the sticks that have resided in their asses for so long.....and if i'm the one who has to do it, so be it.
3. Dr. Mike knows how to cut loose and have a good time.
4. Dark meat should be advertised on television the week before Thanksgiving to ensure it is not forgotten on Turkey Day.
5. Pumpkin Pie is good. Fluffy Pumpkin Pie/Orange Spackle is even better.
6. Nothing say lovin' like a Bloody Mary made with free booze from you boss!!!
7. Families are unique and fun in their own way, even if it's not MY way.

it was all good for a laugh.....but i'm glad to be back at work today.

an unusual way of giving thanks

2004-11-24T10:13:00.000-06:00

quitting smoking has become more of a quit-buying-cigarettes sort of thing. i guess that leaves reaping the benefits of a heavier wallet, but alas, my lungs are still crying out for a full day of no nicotine. it's my head that says shutthefuckup and tells me "just one smoke won't hurt", but when all of your friends smoke one becomes more like five or six in a day. ah, well....progress is progress and i should be thankful at least for that.

speaking of thankful, i am. that's right - the holiday bug ihas bitten me and i'm in my season of retrospective analysis. i've loved, lost, hurt, cried, screamed, kicked, desired, hated, jumped up and down with happiness, wallowed in self-pity, ached for something better, known regret, snipped, tucked, tickled, tried, and been affectionate in the past year or so. i've lived hard and lived well. i'm happy now. happy with what i have, and what i will acheive. blessings have been abundant and right on schedule for me - something that has been rightly noted and expressed gratitude for. there's so much about life that creates, and allows me to be a creative force within it....it's overwhelmingly refreshing to finally know that. my only boundaries are set within this crazy brain of mine, and no matter how much i try to deny that fact, the truth remains here for me to see.

i wake up next to a man i adore and worship and am well-suited for.....he's my darling angel, and i love him so. so much that i want to do do do for him instead of control control control. bad habits and 18 years of living in an i-will-control-every-breath-you-take-and-move-you-make household have left me aching to rise above and beyond what my family has. not that i don't love my family and hold them in the utmost respect, mind you....but i chose them so i could take an objective stance at some point and learn from their mistakes (and apparently mine as well). such is growing up. i thought growing up meant moving out and paying for electricity and an apartment and such, but oh, i was so wrong. i was petty and naive and hurtful for many years. to some extent i still am, but there's a peace within me now and a growing wisdom that leads me to believe i'm finally getting there. there being my adulthood.

of course the party continues and karaoke and beer and dancing til i drop on the rare occasion. but a sense of responsibility that didn't used to exist due to my growing up in a household where daddy took care of all the bad bad things in the world has been growing in me. i want to nurture it and feed it and allow it to grow....

i want to go to bed with a sense of accomplishment. i want to look into my lover's eyes and see his smile reflected there and that look of adoration and respect on his face....like the one last night. ah, last night.....i scrubbed and organized and de-cluttered more than just my apartment - i cleansed my soul. i purged the negative emotions that i had allowed to take hold of me and cast them out into the great abyss. and i did it alone without depending on someone else to do it. so there. alone - i CAN do it alone when necessary. the tears i had shed recently over petty nonsense and a feeling of helplessness have washed away....finally. i want to take him in my arms and squeeze him tight and make him feel how happy i am to just be there with him. i want to whisper a thousand i love you's into his pillow while he sleeps. i want the warmth of his skin to spoon me up into a content little ball, because that's how i feel today. and i'm THANKFUL.

i love everyone today. my sweet family....my friends that i haven't seen in ages.....me.....him....my boss. happy thanksgiving to me.

2004-11-12T16:01:00.000-06:00

Me in Colorado in the mountains somewhere. *sigh*

new blog, indeed

2004-11-11T13:55:00.000-06:00

well, it appears i have yet to find the time to tool around with the nifty new blog. it's mostly a research thing, and i haven't managed to find the time, but don't worry - it's coming.

of all the things to do on a wednesday, i managed to work a 15 hour day at the office. ok, more like 14 after the quick fast food breaks for lunch and dinner, but how pathetic am i? i completely overestimate how much i want to be at work. i could ask the boss for a temp to come in one day a week to keep me sane, but i just can't find the courage to do it. the new hasn't worn off this place yet as i've only been employed for 3 months as of yet, but hell, i can't do this for that much longer. my stress has been soothed for short periods of time when they've said "we're enormously busy right now" and "it will slow down soon" and "i promise it won't be this way every week", but since i've started my average hours have been well above 60/week. it will pay off it will pay off it will pay off it will pay off..........

tonight will be a welcome change - an evening on the couch with my loving man and the cats. no more. no less. no laundry or cleaning or shopping o anything outside of changing into the pj's and kickin' back. goodness knows i'm ready.

i've been checking out a lot of political blogs recently....not the ones that swing too far into the red or the blue, but more the middle ground political commentary of people with, i've discovered, much of the same ideals that i have. i'd like to comment further on a few in particular, but i'm running out of precious lunch hour minutes here, so i must continue later.

A Fresh Start

2004-11-10T22:12:00.000-06:00

I'm going to try something new, here. Livejournal just isn't doing it for me, and the more I get into the World of Blog, the more I want to play with my own. So after learning the ropes it's on to the juicy stuff.